I have wrestled with God since I was a child. I did not grow up in a Christian home, but a neighbor took me to Sunday School. When I was 11 or so, I so mocked and verbally harassed a Sunday School teacher during the year that I later learned that she had vowed never to teach again. I had no respect for her because she couldn't answer my questions to my satisfaction. Shortly after that, I abandoned Christianity for many years.
When I came to faith at age 24, I studied intensely to learn this new faith. I filled my shelves with books and soaked up all the teaching I could find in that fundamentalist environment. Someone pointed out to me today that in the almost 30 years since then, I have never stopped wrestling with one thing or another. In some ways that's a very good thing or I would still be a fundamentalist. But in other ways it feels as if I am just a malcontent and a rebel.
I was asked by a friend, "What if God doesn't care what you understand about salvation, or eternity, or the atonement, or the Kingdom?". He suggested that maybe God just wants me to come to Him as I am, helpless, confused and frustrated. I am enough of a modernist that I have to know what I believe. I feel adrift otherwise. And when I read authors who deny Hell, and tout universalism, or any other controversial position, I want to be able to respond in my mind with a clear answer as to what it is that I do believe. Even if my answer is that I have no answer, that this is a mystery, at least I want to be able to feel that I have dealt honestly with the issue and have integrity in my response.
Another answer is that I long for the faith where a person's sense of who they are is so shaped by their acceptance of God's love for them that their life is permeated and transformed by it. Brennan Manning comes to mind. And in my mind, to get to that point, I feel that I need to have a better grasp of what Jesus did and what it really means. In the past couple years I have come across so many different answers to those questions that I am no longer sure what it is that I do believe.
Being an almost recovering perfectionist, it is difficult for me not to be an "all or nothing" person. So to look at the task of puzzling out my faith again is daunting. I know that I can take it small pieces at a time, but that makes me so impatient. I've started writing paraphrases of several New Testament scriptures which helps me to wrestle with certain issues. I think that if I take a more focused approach, and do that for all scriptures involving salvation, or the atonement, etc. I can move ahead.
Or, what if all this has more to do with my fear of not knowing the answers, and, at least in my mind, appearing "stupid"? Perhaps I'm foolish to pursue any of these questions. At this point, my thought is that I am way too busy with work to give this the attention that it deserves. And, I really need to learn how to rest in Him again. I've been there, but it took years and serious time in recovery groups to get there. My life was falling apart and all I could do was turn to God. That, combined with very serious surgery. I don't want that kind of difficulty in my life again. But concern about the future, working for a start-up company, is on my mind all of the time too. Do I need another crisis to get a better perspective again? I don't know. I keep wearing some pretty deep ruts in the ground of my life, doing the same things over and over.
The funny thing is that none of this changes what I said in my last post.
End of rambling.
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5 comments:
I came to God without any theology except a desperate need. If I thought God cared what I believed I'd never "believe" anything. Fortunately I imagine God being a pretty big guy and I don't think my doubts and limited or mistaken impressions about Him put much of a dent in his self-esteem or His love for me. "What! You don't believe in substitutionary atonement! To the fires of hell with you, infidel." No, I can't imagine a God worthy of thousands of years of devotion being like that.
My theology "bag" is very light. Being a relatively new Christian I proceed cautiously. After all there are thousands of varying Christian theologies out there - so many possible heresies, so little time. I really only have a few things in the credo bag right now:
-Jesus existed (everything else is pretty much up for debate except this point - if he didn't exist there is no point, because it is through his life we are shown "the way"
- Jesus believed God existed
-Jesus seemed to be mostly right about most things so I will take his word on the existence of God (I assume God exists, not quite the same as believing absolutely but as close as I can get right now and be honest with myself and God)
-what we do is more important than what we believe (I include faith in God and in the redemption Jesus extends to us in "doing")
-the meta-narrative in the BIble is the repeated motif of redemption, for the world and for me
-Jesus is my way to God. He shows the way through His teachings and his life (example)
-love is the central action and doctrine of Jesus - everything proceeds from love
-if we truly lived like Jesus taught we could save the world
Well, that's what I've got so far.
Mariam,
I like your approach. We differ slightly in our stances. But not so far apart that we can't hold hands walking down the path. I know that many who call themselves Christians would but very disturbed by my perspective because they would be downright threatened by yours.
I appreciate reading your response. With my faith currently being in a fragile, rebuilding state, the basic strategy you employ, or taking incremental steps, sounds sensible to me. We're different people with all the things that make us each unique, so we might find different things on the journey, but I believe God is with us on the journey, and all that He asks of us is a certain level of trust.
I think I might even have that small amount of trust. Fortunately, He is not asking me to sign a doctrinal statement.
No, I don't think God requires signed doctrinal statements (LOL). That's very much a human artifice. When I think about demands that we hold to certain doctrines as our ticket to heaven I am always reminded of what Jesus said to the Pharisees in Matthew 23:13 and 23,24, but then I seem to interpret that a bit differently than others :)
Trust is the key, I think and faithfulness. Not faithfulness to doctrine but faithfulness to our relationship to God. That means talking to God, even when a part of us is laughing at the absurdity of it; it means believing that God is walking with us even when we feel isolated and alone; it means trusting in God's unconditional love and infinity of mercy even when we feel like complete failures.
Thanks for not recoiling in judgement at my heretical meanderings, Gary.
Peace.
Mariam, again you speak my heart. You said, "That means talking to God, even when a part of us is laughing at the absurdity of it; it means believing that God is walking with us even when we feel isolated and alone; it means trusting in God's unconditional love and infinity of mercy even when we feel like complete failures."
You also said, "Thanks for not recoiling in judgement at my heretical meanderings, Gary." I'm sorry, I must not have been reading carefully enough to have caught any heresy. All I saw was a friend honestly sharing her heart.
Thanks, Gary,
It's good to be able to speak from the heart and not worry about an agenda or following a particular systematic doctrine - either liberal or conservative. You know I'm a liberal, but even with liberals I find I have to watch my step at times. Just as their are certain "code" words which set conservatives off and make them put you in a box and stop listening to you, there are code words that set liberals off as well. I don't really have the time and energy for worrying too much about fitting into a theological suit. And I don't think God minds my mental ramblings one bit. I cherish the times with my son when he bounces ideas off me and argues with me, says outrageous things, backs off, reconsiders - and I admit it's gratifying when he sometimes comes around to my way of thinking. But I love to watch the process of discovery. I can't help but think that God enjoys watching us do the same thing.
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