Worship

Smitty posted about the subject of worship recently. This caused me to ask the question, "when is the last time you worshipped?" I have been to many "worship services" with "worship leaders" leading "worship songs". But usually for me this is a time of going through the motions, a time where I may earnestly desire to worship, but try as I might, it doesn't flow.

I'm sure that for some people, the immediate reaction to reading that might be, "Well, your worship experience is simply a reflection of the authenticity and vitality of your relationship with God. Have you invested in that relationship lately?" Others might say, "How much time are you spending reading the Bible each day?" (not much) In my denominational heritage, it was common for the early members to sincerely greet one another with the question, "How goes it with your walk?" The focus was on developing and nurturing an active, intimate relationship with the Lord of Love and Light, our Creator. This is something I have neglected, or at least have not devoted a lot of time to in quite a while. But that sense of loss, or of need for that relationship, is a lot of what prompted this particular blog. Still, I don't want my seeking for more of God in my life to shift into an obligation. I want it to be a heartfelt desire for a Person.

There have been times in my life when I have Worshipped. I participated in the song or hymn in a way which seemed to involve my whole being, when every word was real and alive, as I stood there alone amidst others, before God. I felt a spirit of adoration, gratitude, dependence, and total acceptance. Even the parts of the lyrics which so clearly did not describe me, became prayers, a statement of longing that those words might one day describe me.

But as I think back on those times, I remember that the came with a particular sense of total brokenness. I think one thing that holds me back is that when I am deep in worship, and deeply moved by the experience, my eyes leak. Tears fall from my face. I have a mixed reaction when that happens. First, I become self-conscious, embarrassed at my maudlin display. Or, worse yet, I become self-conscious, and then wonder if people around me notice and think that I am spiritual because I am so moved by worship. arrgggh. I'm not proud of that response. Perhaps that's why I avoid external display in a worship service. I do not raised my hands or my arms. I do not sway to the music. I do not even clap, but that has more to do with my lack of rhythm. I know that for some people, raising hands is a natural expression from the heart. But I wonder how many times it is done because it is in some circles it is how you are "supposed to" worship. If you don't do it, perhaps you will be viewed as less spiritual. Of course, there are traditions where if you even turned your hands upward at waist level, you would be considered to be wildly ostentatious. I've worshipped in those churches too.