Amidst the cacophony of thoughts in my head each day, lately there seems to be one thought that carries more weight. But it's one toward which I have strongly opposing reactions. I both dread it and long for it. The question is: What is God saying to me?
If I listen for His voice, I may have to change, surrender, sacrifice, grieve, suffer deprivation or even humiliation. I may feel more pain. If I listen for His voice I may find a greater sense of identity, of being loved, of purpose. I may feel more alive. And I may be clearly reminded that this is not all about me anyway. How can I not listen? He is GOD. How can I listen? It would mean that hedonism can no longer be my god.
I desperately want to hear His voice, and I desperately want to avoid it. So I utter guerrilla prayers, under the radar of my fear. They are short utterances like, "Help me, God!" "I belong to You." "I want You." But most often I fill my days with the noise of life. And when it gets too quiet, I get busy. The funny thing is that His whispers get through.
Another ancillary thought has been going through my head. And this one is more like a voice. It says, "I have blessed you with great gifts. I want you to use them." That scares me and brings tears to my eyes at the same time. I think they are tears of gratitude.
It would all be so much easier if God used registered mail, or an angelic visit, or a vision. oh wait, I did have a vision, but that was long ago, and it was just Christ appearing to save my life.
Man, why do I screw around like this? Why can't I just get it together and just respond to Him? I'm afraid that when I die, I will look back on my life and see key things that the Lord had planned for me, but that I squandered those opportunities out of fear and selfishness. I'm not afraid of God being angry or anything. I just would feel really sad.
So, I guess I need to be still, quiet the noise, know that He is God, rest, and listen. This whole journey is so very strange. And yet, I am so glad that I am on it. I am eternally grateful. I am who I am, deeply flawed, but loved by Him, no matter how difficult it is for me to fully embrace that truth.
End of rambling.
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4 comments:
I sure focus on me a lot, don't I? Oh, well. We can only start from where we are.
we both are preaching to the choir brother. One encouraging thought alot of the 12 focused on themselves alot and they were with Jesus 24/7!!! Very thankful as well to be on the road we are on praying the deep flaws will be worked on and solid growth occurs
I just love the honesty in your writing.
I think we all think all these same things you articulated...I know I have.
But I think the point is the practice of listening, not so whether or not we always hear or are always certain.
If it were easy, we wouldn't seek God...if He were loud and obvious, we'd never have to draw closer in order to hear Him. Oh and we'd always have all the answers, and soon we'd think we didn't need Him.
Sometimes I think God is often happier with me that I take time to listen, more than whether or not I always hear correctly.
Just my $.02
Hi Robert. God is at work and He is good.
Erin, thanks for the compliment. Yes, I am sure that He is delighted when we take the time to listen, no matter how ineptly.
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