a prayer

I feel a bit odd posting a prayer. It's not like I haven't already posted hundreds of prayers online. But thoughts come to mind that "real prayers" are prayed in a "prayer closet", whatever that is. Still, I know that when I pray online I can pray from the heart. And once the words are on the screen, there's evidence to remind me that I have prayed. To be honest, my hesitation is not so much that God will have a problem with this approach, but that other people will, that they will think I am being showy or trying to be publicly spiritual or something. Oh well, if that's what people think there's nothing I can do to control that.

Dear Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
I come to You with hesitation and with fear. I also come with some shame and guilt about how I have lived. I know that You are trustworthy and loving and all of that. But You know how hard it is for me just to rest in Your grace. I want to run away and I want to run to You. This conflict drives me a little crazy. You see all of my mixed motives in creating this blog. I believe that You see the desire in my heart to be different, to let You back in. I feel very emotional as I write this. I feel very vulnerable. I think my greatest fear is that I will do this, and nothing will change. I will just continue to slide through life having only a passing acquaintance with You.

Help me! I've prayed those two words thousands of times and I think that most of those times what I really meant what make life stop hurting, make it easier for me. Today isn't much different in that regard, except that you see the borderline desperation in my heart. You see the choices I make to keep the discomfort of life at bay. But those choices only bring more pain. I am in a corner. Maybe I'm just coming to You to get me out of a jam once again. I honestly hope not. I know that I can't trust my best intentions because they are so fleeting.

So I come to You, deeply flawed, broken in many ways. But I do come with hope. I want to believe that You are who some believers say You are; a loving God, a gracious Lord, the Father of the prodigal. You see my fear that You are more the righteous judge, the Holy One, who cannot abide sin.

All I can do is come to You as I am. I am here. Afraid, but here. Help me, Adonai. AMEN