Anxiety

My initial thought in creating this blog was to share this season of my spiritual journey with others for these reasons:

• If I start writing here, at least I will be doing SOMETHING. Even just writing is something. And if I start, then, because I know that at least two people will read this, that if I lapse or fall off in this process it will be noticed by those who have encouraged me in the past.
  
• It will be a place for me to explore my faith in writing, which has been valuable to me in the past. Sometimes as I write things out, spontaneous moments of understanding come to me. Other times I am forced to face inconsistencies in my thought process or practice. Still other times new questions come to me as I write.
  
• This journal might provide some small amount of encouragement to others who are in a similar place in their spiritual journey. Frankly that has happened quite a number of times over the past couple years that I have been blogging. It's a lot of why I blog. It ties in directly with my sense of purpose/mission/calling.
  
• Some people might read what I write and pray for me about specific issues.
  

Here's the reason for my anxiety:

• First of all, I feel like I'm putting everything on display and I'm quite sure why. Of course there are the reasons stated above, but . . .
• I don't want to be the Pharisee in Luke 18, praying so all could see. But he was praying to be exalted. I don't think that's my motivation. But I've already heard detractors of blogs claim that they're just narcissistic people calling attention to themselves. I disagree. It's more of a reaching out to connect with others than trying to get others to pay attention as an end in itself. It's about relationship, even if it is online. There are actual people pressing those keys.
  
• Can I share deeply personal prayers? Does that "void" them? But then I think about some of the prayers I've read by those I admire and how much I have been encouraged and inspired by them. It may be strange, but I find that when I am writing out a prayer, it focuses my heart and mind on God and on the subject matter. I've been writing out prayers online for about seven years.
  
• Why a second blog? Can't I do the same thing on "poorinspirit"? Sure I could. But I really want this to be a new beginning. Plus over there I've complained and romanticized about the church so much. I would prefer that I refrain from that here. I want the focus to be on rediscovering and exploring what it means to live out my faith.
• If I finally actually start reading the Bible again, I don't want to come across like I think that makes me really spiritual or something. I'm starting at such a deficit that even just opening the NT would be huge.
• Is at all possible for me to write succinct posts that a person can quickly digest in a minute or two? Or will I go on and on and on as is my usual practice? nah, succinct will not be happening. It's not who I am.
  

Well, I'll sleep on it. For a moment before I started this post, I had an urge to obliterate this blog, like I've done with some of my other blogs when I felt too self-conscious and vulnerable. Instead I decided to be honest about my feelings. Risky.

May the peace of Christ be with you.