Over the past couple days I've been a bit depressed. For much of my life I've struggled with clinical depression. I hadn't had any depressive episodes for months until this week. I think I am dealing with the cumulative impact of the combination of the stress of work (and interpersonal/turf issues in particular), the stress of knowing that I have to make responsible choices about the way I treat my body (not imminently life-threatening issues, but certainly serious), the stress of my 100-mile daily commute, my perplexity over my faith, and certain family obligations.I've descended into a state of partial emotional numbness which has a noticeable deleterious cognitive impact as well. (hmmm, why didn't I just say that I also can't think as clearly?) In a way it feels like I am shutting down internal "systems" because of sensory overload. Perhaps it's because my emotional system is damaged by emotional trauma and/or by neurochemical defects, so that my threshold is lower than it used to be. Or lower than other peoples' or lower than a "normal" person's. Whatever the reason, this morning, in a precaffeinated state, it seems to me that my depression is a mechanism for withdrawal, a means of protection. Perhaps it's all fear-based. Perhaps it's just an indication that I am seriously immature. I don't know. I do know that I have certain responsibilities which remain, regardless of whether I am depressed or not.
One last thought: I wonder if my obesity is a cowardly, gradual means of suicide? I'd certainly never intentionally commit suicide. (been there once). Or, perhaps it's simply another ineffective means of coping with stress.
This will pass. I will take steps to deal with some of the issues, and then the aggregate stress level will drop to tolerable levels. Hmmm, perhaps depression is like a pressure guage.
2 comments:
How fickle. Today I took advantage of an opportunity to talk to one of the principals at work about my frustrations there. At last I felt "heard" again. That was all I was really asking for. The depression has lifted. Removing one huge layer of stress did the trick. The underlying issues at work have yet to be dealt with, but at least they are on the radar now.
I feel a little chagrined at having expressed some fairly strong feelings in this post, and now I seem to be fine. Ah, well, this is who I am.
I'm just catching up on my reading and I'm glad you expressed "fairly strong feelings" and then shared that relief came by dealing with one layer of the stress.
I guess for me that's what it's about...what's real, not what's ideal. The high moments, low moments and the "oh please God not more of these moments".
I shouldn't be posting when I'm this tired so I'll stop and just say...thanks and you're in my prayers.
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