I just went to my friend Don's blog again. 21 comments to the last post. Most offering fervent prayers for healing from his cancer.
I confess that I can't pray about this. I don't think I believe God will do anything. I feel ashamed to feel that way, but it's true. It's not that I don't believe God cares, it's just that it's not the way He works. He doesn't heal people except in incredibly rare circumstances, especially when it's stage four liver cancer.
A lot of Christians would answer that we don't even deserve the blessings we do get, so just be grateful for every breath.
Something seems to be terribly broken with my faith.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Questioning the Journey
I have wrestled with God since I was a child. I did not grow up in a Christian home, but a neighbor took me to Sunday School. When I was 11 or so, I so mocked and verbally harassed a Sunday School teacher during the year that I later learned that she had vowed never to teach again. I had no respect for her because she couldn't answer my questions to my satisfaction. Shortly after that, I abandoned Christianity for many years.
When I came to faith at age 24, I studied intensely to learn this new faith. I filled my shelves with books and soaked up all the teaching I could find in that fundamentalist environment. Someone pointed out to me today that in the almost 30 years since then, I have never stopped wrestling with one thing or another. In some ways that's a very good thing or I would still be a fundamentalist. But in other ways it feels as if I am just a malcontent and a rebel.
I was asked by a friend, "What if God doesn't care what you understand about salvation, or eternity, or the atonement, or the Kingdom?". He suggested that maybe God just wants me to come to Him as I am, helpless, confused and frustrated. I am enough of a modernist that I have to know what I believe. I feel adrift otherwise. And when I read authors who deny Hell, and tout universalism, or any other controversial position, I want to be able to respond in my mind with a clear answer as to what it is that I do believe. Even if my answer is that I have no answer, that this is a mystery, at least I want to be able to feel that I have dealt honestly with the issue and have integrity in my response.
Another answer is that I long for the faith where a person's sense of who they are is so shaped by their acceptance of God's love for them that their life is permeated and transformed by it. Brennan Manning comes to mind. And in my mind, to get to that point, I feel that I need to have a better grasp of what Jesus did and what it really means. In the past couple years I have come across so many different answers to those questions that I am no longer sure what it is that I do believe.
Being an almost recovering perfectionist, it is difficult for me not to be an "all or nothing" person. So to look at the task of puzzling out my faith again is daunting. I know that I can take it small pieces at a time, but that makes me so impatient. I've started writing paraphrases of several New Testament scriptures which helps me to wrestle with certain issues. I think that if I take a more focused approach, and do that for all scriptures involving salvation, or the atonement, etc. I can move ahead.
Or, what if all this has more to do with my fear of not knowing the answers, and, at least in my mind, appearing "stupid"? Perhaps I'm foolish to pursue any of these questions. At this point, my thought is that I am way too busy with work to give this the attention that it deserves. And, I really need to learn how to rest in Him again. I've been there, but it took years and serious time in recovery groups to get there. My life was falling apart and all I could do was turn to God. That, combined with very serious surgery. I don't want that kind of difficulty in my life again. But concern about the future, working for a start-up company, is on my mind all of the time too. Do I need another crisis to get a better perspective again? I don't know. I keep wearing some pretty deep ruts in the ground of my life, doing the same things over and over.
The funny thing is that none of this changes what I said in my last post.
End of rambling.
When I came to faith at age 24, I studied intensely to learn this new faith. I filled my shelves with books and soaked up all the teaching I could find in that fundamentalist environment. Someone pointed out to me today that in the almost 30 years since then, I have never stopped wrestling with one thing or another. In some ways that's a very good thing or I would still be a fundamentalist. But in other ways it feels as if I am just a malcontent and a rebel.
I was asked by a friend, "What if God doesn't care what you understand about salvation, or eternity, or the atonement, or the Kingdom?". He suggested that maybe God just wants me to come to Him as I am, helpless, confused and frustrated. I am enough of a modernist that I have to know what I believe. I feel adrift otherwise. And when I read authors who deny Hell, and tout universalism, or any other controversial position, I want to be able to respond in my mind with a clear answer as to what it is that I do believe. Even if my answer is that I have no answer, that this is a mystery, at least I want to be able to feel that I have dealt honestly with the issue and have integrity in my response.
Another answer is that I long for the faith where a person's sense of who they are is so shaped by their acceptance of God's love for them that their life is permeated and transformed by it. Brennan Manning comes to mind. And in my mind, to get to that point, I feel that I need to have a better grasp of what Jesus did and what it really means. In the past couple years I have come across so many different answers to those questions that I am no longer sure what it is that I do believe.
Being an almost recovering perfectionist, it is difficult for me not to be an "all or nothing" person. So to look at the task of puzzling out my faith again is daunting. I know that I can take it small pieces at a time, but that makes me so impatient. I've started writing paraphrases of several New Testament scriptures which helps me to wrestle with certain issues. I think that if I take a more focused approach, and do that for all scriptures involving salvation, or the atonement, etc. I can move ahead.
Or, what if all this has more to do with my fear of not knowing the answers, and, at least in my mind, appearing "stupid"? Perhaps I'm foolish to pursue any of these questions. At this point, my thought is that I am way too busy with work to give this the attention that it deserves. And, I really need to learn how to rest in Him again. I've been there, but it took years and serious time in recovery groups to get there. My life was falling apart and all I could do was turn to God. That, combined with very serious surgery. I don't want that kind of difficulty in my life again. But concern about the future, working for a start-up company, is on my mind all of the time too. Do I need another crisis to get a better perspective again? I don't know. I keep wearing some pretty deep ruts in the ground of my life, doing the same things over and over.
The funny thing is that none of this changes what I said in my last post.
End of rambling.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
A Small Place of Contentment
God is changing something inside me. I can't quite articulate what it is yet. But I can feel Him at work. The world doesn't look quite the way it did a few weeks ago. Nothing like the sky turning orange or anything. Maybe there's a slight increase in optimism. Or perhaps a greater sense that God hears me and will answer, despite my anemic relationship with Him. I pray more. It's still difficult to pray these days, but I do.
This thing, this change . . . well, it's almost not noticeable enough to warrant mention. But I want to praise Him. That's something I haven't done for a long time. Oh, it's not an arm-waving, body-swaying, eyes closed, tears streaming praise. (I don't do that anyway.) It's more like a quiet thank you inside me. A small place of contentment. And I'm grateful for that. Thank You God. amen.
This thing, this change . . . well, it's almost not noticeable enough to warrant mention. But I want to praise Him. That's something I haven't done for a long time. Oh, it's not an arm-waving, body-swaying, eyes closed, tears streaming praise. (I don't do that anyway.) It's more like a quiet thank you inside me. A small place of contentment. And I'm grateful for that. Thank You God. amen.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The Question that I both Dread and Desire
Amidst the cacophony of thoughts in my head each day, lately there seems to be one thought that carries more weight. But it's one toward which I have strongly opposing reactions. I both dread it and long for it. The question is: What is God saying to me?
If I listen for His voice, I may have to change, surrender, sacrifice, grieve, suffer deprivation or even humiliation. I may feel more pain. If I listen for His voice I may find a greater sense of identity, of being loved, of purpose. I may feel more alive. And I may be clearly reminded that this is not all about me anyway. How can I not listen? He is GOD. How can I listen? It would mean that hedonism can no longer be my god.
I desperately want to hear His voice, and I desperately want to avoid it. So I utter guerrilla prayers, under the radar of my fear. They are short utterances like, "Help me, God!" "I belong to You." "I want You." But most often I fill my days with the noise of life. And when it gets too quiet, I get busy. The funny thing is that His whispers get through.
Another ancillary thought has been going through my head. And this one is more like a voice. It says, "I have blessed you with great gifts. I want you to use them." That scares me and brings tears to my eyes at the same time. I think they are tears of gratitude.
It would all be so much easier if God used registered mail, or an angelic visit, or a vision. oh wait, I did have a vision, but that was long ago, and it was just Christ appearing to save my life.
Man, why do I screw around like this? Why can't I just get it together and just respond to Him? I'm afraid that when I die, I will look back on my life and see key things that the Lord had planned for me, but that I squandered those opportunities out of fear and selfishness. I'm not afraid of God being angry or anything. I just would feel really sad.
So, I guess I need to be still, quiet the noise, know that He is God, rest, and listen. This whole journey is so very strange. And yet, I am so glad that I am on it. I am eternally grateful. I am who I am, deeply flawed, but loved by Him, no matter how difficult it is for me to fully embrace that truth.
End of rambling.
If I listen for His voice, I may have to change, surrender, sacrifice, grieve, suffer deprivation or even humiliation. I may feel more pain. If I listen for His voice I may find a greater sense of identity, of being loved, of purpose. I may feel more alive. And I may be clearly reminded that this is not all about me anyway. How can I not listen? He is GOD. How can I listen? It would mean that hedonism can no longer be my god.
I desperately want to hear His voice, and I desperately want to avoid it. So I utter guerrilla prayers, under the radar of my fear. They are short utterances like, "Help me, God!" "I belong to You." "I want You." But most often I fill my days with the noise of life. And when it gets too quiet, I get busy. The funny thing is that His whispers get through.
Another ancillary thought has been going through my head. And this one is more like a voice. It says, "I have blessed you with great gifts. I want you to use them." That scares me and brings tears to my eyes at the same time. I think they are tears of gratitude.
It would all be so much easier if God used registered mail, or an angelic visit, or a vision. oh wait, I did have a vision, but that was long ago, and it was just Christ appearing to save my life.
Man, why do I screw around like this? Why can't I just get it together and just respond to Him? I'm afraid that when I die, I will look back on my life and see key things that the Lord had planned for me, but that I squandered those opportunities out of fear and selfishness. I'm not afraid of God being angry or anything. I just would feel really sad.
So, I guess I need to be still, quiet the noise, know that He is God, rest, and listen. This whole journey is so very strange. And yet, I am so glad that I am on it. I am eternally grateful. I am who I am, deeply flawed, but loved by Him, no matter how difficult it is for me to fully embrace that truth.
End of rambling.
Monday, October 22, 2007
John Arrives; My Questions
What does that mean:
"the True Light, who gives perfect, steadfast light to all human beings"?
or, as the NIV words it:
"The true light that gives light to every man"
What is that "light" that is given to every human? Is that referring to some inherent goodness, some benign or altruistic quality, or is it just the conscience? If so, how do we reconcile that with the scriptures which indicate that there is no innate goodness in us? Is this is a quality that is dormant within us? Is it something that is activated upon the new life that comes from relationship with Christ? But the fact that it says it is given to EVERY human gives me pause.
Is this referring to universal salvation? That doesn't seem to fit the immediate or larger context.
Or, perhaps this is referring to an offered gift of light, the gift of salvation, and the word "gives" merely means "offers"? If so, that seems a bit disingenuous. It feels like those advertisements for a free iPod, where the fine print tells you that it's only free if you agree to subscribe to six magazines or something like that.
FREE for all humankind: LIGHT! (offer void in New Jersey, the District of Columbia, and Hell. Offer not available to cherubim, seraphim, or other employees of God. Offer expires upon death. Not redeemable with offers from competing gods.)
"the True Light, who gives perfect, steadfast light to all human beings"?
or, as the NIV words it:
"The true light that gives light to every man"
What is that "light" that is given to every human? Is that referring to some inherent goodness, some benign or altruistic quality, or is it just the conscience? If so, how do we reconcile that with the scriptures which indicate that there is no innate goodness in us? Is this is a quality that is dormant within us? Is it something that is activated upon the new life that comes from relationship with Christ? But the fact that it says it is given to EVERY human gives me pause.
Is this referring to universal salvation? That doesn't seem to fit the immediate or larger context.
Or, perhaps this is referring to an offered gift of light, the gift of salvation, and the word "gives" merely means "offers"? If so, that seems a bit disingenuous. It feels like those advertisements for a free iPod, where the fine print tells you that it's only free if you agree to subscribe to six magazines or something like that.
FREE for all humankind: LIGHT! (offer void in New Jersey, the District of Columbia, and Hell. Offer not available to cherubim, seraphim, or other employees of God. Offer expires upon death. Not redeemable with offers from competing gods.)
John Arrives; John 1:6-9
The Gospel of John, Chapter 1, verses 6 through 9.
A man named John
appeared on the scene.
John was sent by God to tell people
about the Light of the One Word
so that they would trust completely
and rely solely upon the Light.
John himself was not the Light.
He was just a messenger
who came to point to the Light.
John's very purpose in being
was simply to announce
that the True Light,
Who gives perfect, steadfast light
to all human beings,
was coming into the world.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
In the Beginning, My Questions
These are my questions which come out of my last post. I share them just to share them. I am not asking for answers. I once taught a class in apologetics and I've been a serious amateur student of the Word for a few decades, so I think I know the most commonly accepted answers for these types of questions. I was quite content with those answers for many years. But I no longer want to settle for the pat answers of evangelicaldom. Just because Charles Ryrie gave a particular answer makes it all the more suspect. I want to think through the questions and study them so that I am at peace with whatever answers I end up with. And, there may be some questions that simply will not have any satisfactory answers. I may have to embrace mystery. God is difficult like that sometimes.
Of course, as always, any comments you care to share are welcome, even if they are answers to some of these questions. I would appreciate your prayers as I continue on this path.
Of course, as always, any comments you care to share are welcome, even if they are answers to some of these questions. I would appreciate your prayers as I continue on this path.
- What I don't understand is how God the Father could "beget" His Son if they are eternally coexistent.
- If Jesus Christ is fully God, fully equal with God the Father, fully One with God the Father, how can He relationally be the Son?
- If the One Word created and sustains all living things, then why does He allow the enemy and his minions to exist? And why does He frequently allow people like Hitler and Stalin to live?
- If the darkness cannot overcome the Light, then why is my friend Don dying of cancer? Granted, my friend Don is living in a lot of light despite the circumstances, but it's looking pretty dire. Perhaps death does not equal darkness? But I think there are scriptures which equate the two at times. I'll have to check on that.
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